Phoenix from The Lame Sauce – Guest-post-a-palooza!

My guest post today is from Phoenix, whose Daddy is Gregg of The Lame Sauce. Gregg is one of the few Daddy-voices in a sea of Mommy-bloggers – and he’s very funny! He’s also an amazing artist, so check him out!

Dear Cole,

I wanted to write you concerning your role as the baby in your house. That’s a bit of a broad statement, so allow me to explain. I have an older sister who is the first born in our family, and I don’t think she fully understands the amount of power she has. She spends her days crying, whining, acting silly, pretending, cuddling and complaining about things she has no control over; meanwhile I am running the show. How, you ask? Think of it. While cuddling is for chumps, by doing it you get an in. It’s fantastic. So I will tell you, and as a newly acquired friend, I will grace you with my honesty.

As a boy, we have an up on the girls. Besides having boy bits that can aim, spray and shoot at will, we have the luxury of getting past our crying ways of the first few months and moving into the wonderful world of terrorizing. While I don’t advocating terrorizing per se, I do advocate the act of taking over everything. You must start small, and work your way up. Allow me to explain:
Pick me up. This is a simple one, and one I hope you’ve already grasped. It really only requires two things: a good whine/yell/whimper and the extensions of your arms upward. This allows us as young men to perpetuate the American tradition of laziness. Why walk when someone can carry you? There is this idea that boys are slower than girls. This may or may not be true, but in this case it may also be that our leg muscles aren’t as developed because we’re being carried everywhere? I’m complicating things. Just get people to carry you.
Growling. For some reason this endears us to people. In every other real life situation the growl is considered to be a frightening, weird, threatening sound, but for some reason when it comes from the mouth of babes, it’s sooooo cute. You can get ANYTHING with this little move.
Come on, Dad. Dads work and sometimes don’t get as involved. I have found with my father that it helps to emulate him or do things that endear him. For my father, what helps is to poot, growl, bark, burp, and any other silly thing that involves some form the same things he does, just on a miniature level.
Come on, Mom. These ladies are putty in our hands. Just act cute, cuddle, put your thumb in your mouth or anything like unto it. These subtle things melt them, and make you the powerful one in the group. Ham it up, Cole, they love it.
Smile with a little twinkle in your eye. You know what turns people into putty? A good old fashioned smile. If you have a tooth or two, that helps too. Girls can do the same thing, but when you add some of that boyish charm, it is simply irresistible.
Flirt with the ladies. I don’t know why this is true, but for some reason my parents love it when I flirt with the ladies. So it doesn’t hurt to flirt a little. It’s good practice for when we get older too I think.
A nice little blow out never hurt anyone. I may be misled here, but there is nothing wrong with a little poo. An extra push to create some kind of a blowout helps. They Moms and Dads have to fix that, and it’s good for them to know their place. Think about it: once you have a blowout, your parents are obligated to clean you up. Nothing helps them realize their place in the world than wiping your butt. Helps if you can squirm and get a little on their hand too.
Pee, brother, pee. We are lucky enough to be toting some man bits down there that allow you to shoot from the hip on the pee pee end of things. You know what’s funny? Let it loose from time to time to keep things interesting. I figure we have until about 1.5-2 years before this is no longer acceptable, go get while the gettin’ is good.
These are a few of the staples of my life. These little things help others understand who’s in charge. The best part about it is that they don’t know what kind of psychological game we play. My sister did ok with it, but she lacked that little extra something to really push the boundaries. She is no longer in a power of position because now she can talk and communicate enough to be accountable for her actions with things like timeout and such. We’re still above accountability because ‘we don’t know any better’ and we’re ‘just babies’, right?
So as you nail these items down, and get better at them, just remember that things can only progress forward. This is the tip of the proverbial iceberg to the true nature of bringing our parents to their knees in true child terror. Soon enough we will be able to peel off those pesky diapers and draw on the wall in poo because it looks like chocolate and lets be honest here, drawing on the walls is fun. We can pretend to be ‘practicing’ our potty training while letting the ‘fire hose’ free to water whatever our hearts desire. They’re called power plays. We rule the world….that is until we get lazy and women get wise…but hey! Let’s get while the gettin’ is good!
Good luck, my new found friend! Let me know if you need any further advice, otherwise, godspeed and take care!
One year old Phoenix is the youngest of 2 kids. His Native American heritage has allotted him a pretty cool and meaningful name. Phoenix is his dad’s family name off their reservation and his middle name is Weta-bidenge’ni which means Bear Warrior. His dad calls him the Bear and what he says here is true….he runs the house with his charm and his bodily functions. This kid is a beast, and he is slowly but surely taking over the world.

I want to thank Phoenix for all the great advice! (Mommy, on the other hand, is not so sure about some of it…) I’ve already got some of it down – Mommy and Daddy (and all of my grandparents) are pretty much already under my thumb, and I’m a *champion* flirt! Don’t forget to read all about Phoenix and Sage and Gregg over at The Lame Sauce. Gregg and his wife, Meghan, are also the creative geniuses behind Modern Bird Studios – if you have not seen their amazing artwork, you have to check it out *right now.* I’m hoping to win one from their giveaway on Harper’s Happenings!

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One Comment

  1. Phoenix, you are a smart, smart boy. Thanks for the tips. -Hudson @

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